She's playing you for fool....why Mary Lou?

I just realized how deficient I am in many ways. We learn from our parents, the people responsible/entrusted for shaping the person you become. They shape how you feel about yourself, how you react to any given situation.


I do feel though that seeing that the way I was raised was a means-to-an-end. What do I mean by that? My parents were deficient, void, and immature – they too did not have emotionally responsible parents. Family emotions really go on cycles, passed down to the next generation.


Mom in particular was never ‘present’ as I was growing up – she found ways to numb herself and be oblivious to the most important job she had. Being a mom. Not being ‘present’ is cowardly to me and almost unforgivable.


She never had the tools to fight for herself, to care for us or even emphasize with anyone, let alone a child.


She was always very unapproachable and would be the last person to confide in. She was very critical and often would betray your trust, sharing it with other members; almost laughing at your pain. She’d use it against you, betray you in a heart beat. It was almost like she would thrive off your pain.


She’s the most negative person I’ve ever encountered in my life. She thrives on negativity.


I’ve always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but sometimes when you have to become the parent, when you are a child, it can be very demoralizing. You tell yourself it’s OK that your mom was never ‘present’ that you are capable of taking care of yourself and tell yourself it’s not your responsibility to fix it.


Currently, it’s difficult to walk in her house/world on a daily basis, it’s depressing, demeaning – it’s like walking into a web of lies.


She lies to cover lies.
She limits herself.


It feels horrible to tell this truth but yet freeing.


But I do realize I cannot keep enabling this behavior.


It’s hard growing up listening to her talk horrible about your siblings, but you realize that this again is her web of lies – she wants us to be miserable and lonely – just like she is.


If I can see how she is, I’m guessing the rest of the family knows how she is too. They have to see and know she is lying to them, don’t they?


For years, the two people she’s talked the most horrible about is Dad and Bernie. She tries to manipulate how a person feels about others. Does she think I’m stupid? Doesn’t she know that I know she’s lying to me, does she even care?


She’s always been down right dirty when it comes to Becky. I’ve always wondered how a parent could treat/talk about their child like that.


I’ve had to tell mom recently that I do not want to hear her talk about siblings bad. I will not accept it as a topic anymore!


She always plays the victim when you call her on anything. She lies to cover the lies. She always blames someone else. Oh My Gosh --- I just realized it sounds like Jim. I guess he learned from the best.

I was challenged to my core yesterday

Mom called me at work (she had been to dentist the day before)  - she asked me to call my brother and ask him to go to her house and give her her insulin shots!!!  She said she was so sore from dentist she couldn't move, couldn't get out of bed.

I went there around 11:30 and she was in bed.  I took her blood sugar level, gave her a bananna to eat while I gave her 2 insulin shots while she laid in bed.  Meal on Wheels arrived.  I put in fridge and got her some jello and pudding to eat, brought that into her bedside table.  I filled her needles for the next two days, filled her medicine wheel, and picked up dirty clothes (she had diarrea last night and didn't make it to bathroom). 
I'm almost crying at this point...I just switched jobs and that is stressing me out and now I'm spending my lunch hour waiting on a completely capable person.  She asks me to rub her feet.  I'm put my head down and pray for strength.  I'm not a touchy, feeley person - I have a hard time with physical contact.  (due to childhood abuse).  I dig in and find it in me - I rub her feet.
I go back to work and focus on WORK.

In Ephesians 4:26, Paul warns, "In your anger, do not sin" which means that while God created us with the capacity for anger, the key to dealing with anger is learning to express it correctly.

Be focused.
Psalm 37:8 "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evil."

Be understanding.

James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen."   I guess that is why we have two ears and one mouth!!

Be kind.
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Be ready.
1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert."   This tells me I have to have a plan and make sure I have balance in my life, so I can control my responses.

Proverbs 22:24 is very clear, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man; do not associate with one easily angered."   Great Advice!

Mom's Doctor Visit

The doctor visited mom Wednesday and confirmed she should not be driving.  He said if he found out she was driving he would call the motor vehicle department and report her.

I addressed the sleeping pills I found in her room in a Tylenol bottle.  Doctor said I have to remove all medicine from house that is not on her list.  I think brother number 4 is feeding her pills.  Why he would do that is beyond my comprehension.  She is on 22 prescription medicines now and if he is feeding her pills, they could interact with what she is taking now and ultimately harm her or worse kill her.  So why?  He is pathetic and does not care I believe. 

I'm frustrated, I'm stressed, I'm sad.

Lunch with Mom

I stopped over today and was pleasantly surprised...she was not in bed, she was sitting at the table.  Immediately though, she started telling me to locate things for her -- though I'm not sure why she can't locate the items why she would wait for me to locate them..... 
Anyhow, I set up the humidifer in her room.  Done, Check!
I also set up her new CD player in her room.  Done, Check!
I filled her medicine wheel.  Done, Check!
I left her house today and actually made it back to work on time - Yeah for me!

She called me shortly after I sat in my chair, and asked if I could call her at 3:00 so she could get up and test her sugar! 

I am kind of mad about that - I mean come on I'm at work and she wants to call at 3pm to wake her up from her nap!  I would be appalled to ask my son that.  I always think about those things.  I always think to myself that I will take care of my health - it's my responsibility - not my son's and I will never ask him to wait on me when I'm capable!

Umm Hello - She was in Bed again!

Left work to go to mom's today -- I was not going today as Atsirk was going...I decided to go because I knew mom was getting a Ecko today at home and didn't want Atsirk to have to deal with mom alone. Atsirk is my niece and without her to talk to and join this journey -- I'd go absolutely C-R-A-Z-Y!


Mom was in bed today, when her meal arrived (via Meal-on-Wheels) Atsirk went into her room and let her know it had arrived...she continued sleeping. Her shower lady pulled in the driveway and once she knew she was here, she got right up!

As mom was entering the bathroom, she asked me if I knew were her "joint medicine" was. I'd been waiting for that question. I manage mom's medicine and was not aware of any joint medicine but recall seeing some bottles in her room. Come to find out she ordered the medicine off the TV! I read the warnings - Do not take if you have asthma, do not take if you are on prescription medicine...well mom is on about 28 prescription medicines and has asthma. I told her that and she said she got this from the doctor. Lie! She lied to my face! I manage her bills and saw a transaction on her Visa bill for this same joint medicine!

I want to beat my head on the wall......taking care of her is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I think God must think highly of me for him to give me such a hefty burden. I keep telling myself this because right about now it feels like I'm being punished.....

She's in Bed [ahem....again!]

I stopped by mom's yesterday and she is still in bed - it's my lunch hour so it's 11:30am.  She didn't hear me walk in (the alarm didn't sound - chain of bells she strings on the door). 

I mumbled to myself as I enter, wondering what orders she will yell from her bed.  I try to be quiet and move to the kitchen and as I pass her room, she is still sleeping.  I enter the kitchen and look in the refrigerator and begin filling her insulin needles.

Her medicine wheel sounds....she doesn't stir.  I grab her medicine from the wheel and put it on the table for her.  I wake her up and tell her the Meals on Wheels man just pulled into the driveway.  I met the driver on the porch and take her meal.  By this time, mom has moved from the bed to the table.  I place her meal down, get her silverware, cup of milk, butter and her insulin.

She tells me her nose is stuffy, I called her doctor and ask what she can take. (Mom's diabetic)  Afrin, they say.  I tell her I will go to the store and get it - she yells her grocery list as I stand down the hallway with my hand on the door knob.  Darnit, I almost escaped!

I come back and tell her I have to go back to work, that if I don't leave now -- I'll be late.....15 minutes later I interrupt her and say "Mom, I'm really late, I have to go".

Driving like a madwoman, I make it back to work--really really late -- still reeling from my visit.