Tuesday, May 25, 2010

She's playing you for fool....why Mary Lou?

I just realized how deficient I am in many ways. We learn from our parents, the people responsible/entrusted for shaping the person you become. They shape how you feel about yourself, how you react to any given situation.

I do feel though that seeing that the way I was raised was a means-to-an-end. What do I mean by that? My parents were deficient, void, and immature – they too did not have emotionally responsible parents. Family emotions really go on cycles, passed down to the next generation.

Mom in particular was never ‘present’ as I was growing up – she found ways to numb herself and be oblivious to the most important job she had. Being a mom. Not being ‘present’ is cowardly to me and almost unforgivable.

She never had the tools to fight for herself, to care for us or even emphasize with anyone, let alone a child.

She was always very unapproachable and would be the last person to confide in. She was very critical and often would betray your trust, sharing it with other members; almost laughing at your pain. She’d use it against you, betray you in a heart beat. It was almost like she would thrive off your pain.

She’s the most negative person I’ve ever encountered in my life. She thrives on negativity.

I’ve always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but sometimes when you have to become the parent, when you are a child, it can be very demoralizing. You tell yourself it’s OK that your mom was never ‘present’ that you are capable of taking care of yourself and tell yourself it’s not your responsibility to fix it.

Currently, it’s difficult to walk in her house/world on a daily basis, it’s depressing, demeaning – it’s like walking into a web of lies.

She lies to cover lies.
She limits herself.

It feels horrible to tell this truth but yet freeing.

But I do realize I cannot keep enabling this behavior.

It’s hard growing up listening to her talk horrible about your siblings, but you realize that this again is her web of lies – she wants us to be miserable and lonely – just like she is.

If I can see how she is, I’m guessing the rest of the family knows how she is too. They have to see and know she is lying to them, don’t they?

For years, the two people she’s talked the most horrible about is Dad and Bernie. She tries to manipulate how a person feels about others. Does she think I’m stupid? Doesn’t she know that I know she’s lying to me, does she even care?

She’s always been down right dirty when it comes to Becky. I’ve always wondered how a parent could treat/talk about their child like that.

I’ve had to tell mom recently that I do not want to hear her talk about siblings bad. I will not accept it as a topic anymore!

She always plays the victim when you call her on anything. She lies to cover the lies. She always blames someone else. Oh My Gosh --- I just realized it sounds like Jim. I guess he learned from the best.

1 comment:

Julie said...