She's playing you for fool....why Mary Lou?

I just realized how deficient I am in many ways. We learn from our parents, the people responsible/entrusted for shaping the person you become. They shape how you feel about yourself, how you react to any given situation.


I do feel though that seeing that the way I was raised was a means-to-an-end. What do I mean by that? My parents were deficient, void, and immature – they too did not have emotionally responsible parents. Family emotions really go on cycles, passed down to the next generation.


Mom in particular was never ‘present’ as I was growing up – she found ways to numb herself and be oblivious to the most important job she had. Being a mom. Not being ‘present’ is cowardly to me and almost unforgivable.


She never had the tools to fight for herself, to care for us or even emphasize with anyone, let alone a child.


She was always very unapproachable and would be the last person to confide in. She was very critical and often would betray your trust, sharing it with other members; almost laughing at your pain. She’d use it against you, betray you in a heart beat. It was almost like she would thrive off your pain.


She’s the most negative person I’ve ever encountered in my life. She thrives on negativity.


I’ve always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but sometimes when you have to become the parent, when you are a child, it can be very demoralizing. You tell yourself it’s OK that your mom was never ‘present’ that you are capable of taking care of yourself and tell yourself it’s not your responsibility to fix it.


Currently, it’s difficult to walk in her house/world on a daily basis, it’s depressing, demeaning – it’s like walking into a web of lies.


She lies to cover lies.
She limits herself.


It feels horrible to tell this truth but yet freeing.


But I do realize I cannot keep enabling this behavior.


It’s hard growing up listening to her talk horrible about your siblings, but you realize that this again is her web of lies – she wants us to be miserable and lonely – just like she is.


If I can see how she is, I’m guessing the rest of the family knows how she is too. They have to see and know she is lying to them, don’t they?


For years, the two people she’s talked the most horrible about is Dad and Bernie. She tries to manipulate how a person feels about others. Does she think I’m stupid? Doesn’t she know that I know she’s lying to me, does she even care?


She’s always been down right dirty when it comes to Becky. I’ve always wondered how a parent could treat/talk about their child like that.


I’ve had to tell mom recently that I do not want to hear her talk about siblings bad. I will not accept it as a topic anymore!


She always plays the victim when you call her on anything. She lies to cover the lies. She always blames someone else. Oh My Gosh --- I just realized it sounds like Jim. I guess he learned from the best.

Morel Hunting We Shall Go

Going morel hunting this weekend - will post pictures of our adventure!  We are going with my niece Krista, her husband Allen and their daughter Karlee.

Even if I don't find a single one, I am so thankful for the time with my family!  I love the outdoors especially the hills where we hunt.  You need a four wheel drive to get around this area and I love driving it!

Can't wait to share!
**Update:  We had bad weather but managed to pick approx. 4lbs between all of us!  It snowed, it sleeted, it rained--Michigan's tricky weather in May.

Post Removed

I removed yesterday's post - it felt too much like listing things I do versus others (well essentially it was) and it didn't feel appropriate.  So I removed the post!

Prom circa 1989, Glamour shot for husband circa 1996, 3rd Grade Baseball (top row, end of row on right)

Our Path Forward: Ray Manhart - We will miss you dearly!

http://obits.mlive.com/obituaries/baycity/obituary.aspx?n=raymond-e-manhart&pid=141402817
Our Path Forward: Ray Manhart - We will miss you dearly!

Ray Manhart - We will miss you dearly!

We found out on Sunday that our childhood friend, Ray Manhart died today on Friday.  Ray had lung cancer and was going through chemo/radiation.  He was doing well in spite of losing his 20 year old son last year to suicide.  Last year we went to his son's funeral - that was hard - losing your only child to suicide is a hard pill to swallow.  He never recovered and gave up the fight after that.
I lost it at the funeral when I saw his wife, Tina....Tina has always been someone I cared about and loved visiting with.  (We live too far apart and don't see each other as often as I'd like). 
Today, I'm still struggling - with the saddness, the loss and thinking somehow we could of done something more, been there more or something...I should know too well that kind of head game is awful to play and living in the what-ifs is not somewhere to go.
Ray - I hope you are in no more pain and are in the arms of God and Jesus and that you are with little Ray.
We love you and will miss you dearly.
1964-2010 Raymond Manhart, Standish, MI

I was challenged to my core yesterday

Mom called me at work (she had been to dentist the day before)  - she asked me to call my brother and ask him to go to her house and give her her insulin shots!!!  She said she was so sore from dentist she couldn't move, couldn't get out of bed.

I went there around 11:30 and she was in bed.  I took her blood sugar level, gave her a bananna to eat while I gave her 2 insulin shots while she laid in bed.  Meal on Wheels arrived.  I put in fridge and got her some jello and pudding to eat, brought that into her bedside table.  I filled her needles for the next two days, filled her medicine wheel, and picked up dirty clothes (she had diarrea last night and didn't make it to bathroom). 
I'm almost crying at this point...I just switched jobs and that is stressing me out and now I'm spending my lunch hour waiting on a completely capable person.  She asks me to rub her feet.  I'm put my head down and pray for strength.  I'm not a touchy, feeley person - I have a hard time with physical contact.  (due to childhood abuse).  I dig in and find it in me - I rub her feet.
I go back to work and focus on WORK.

In Ephesians 4:26, Paul warns, "In your anger, do not sin" which means that while God created us with the capacity for anger, the key to dealing with anger is learning to express it correctly.

Be focused.
Psalm 37:8 "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evil."

Be understanding.

James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen."   I guess that is why we have two ears and one mouth!!

Be kind.
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Be ready.
1 Peter 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert."   This tells me I have to have a plan and make sure I have balance in my life, so I can control my responses.

Proverbs 22:24 is very clear, "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man; do not associate with one easily angered."   Great Advice!